By now I guess you’re all pretty well aware that suffer from bouts of severe depression, you may even suspect that I have some fairly serious anger issues. None of that’s too surprising given the circumstances of my childhood and adolescence but I don’t have to like it, in fact I get quite cross with myself because all that stuff still hurts so much. You might say that I’ve brought a lot of this on myself, digging around in such awful memories but one of the reasons I decided to write the book is that I haven’t been able to deal with those memories for all these years so it’s something of a no win situation.
The last couple of days haven’t been good, I’ve been in a particularly bad place with the book editing the chapter dealing with the end of the abuse but the continued rage and behavioural problems. It was when I had the first inkling of how much he’d hurt me and how much I’d hurt myself by not telling. Knowing that it was too late to tell just fuelled the rage and depression and that in turn made the behavioural problems worse. By the time I was 13 I’d started spiralling out of control and nobody, parents or teachers seemed to give a shit. Bad times and bad memories so yes, it’s been a rough couple of days.
That was really why I told the tale of my ridiculous hospital stay, I needed something to focus on that was completely outside the pain and self-deprecation that had almost become the norm for me. For all it was a string of mistakes and almost slapstick comedy those three and a half weeks were a time of relative peace and security.
Sorry to cry on your collective shoulders again.
Love
*hugs* I think it’s part of a seasonal post-holiday thing, everyone seems to be down right now.
Hang in there. *hugs*
Thanks Seth, hugs are good right now
Love
Mac
I know it may not feel like it right now, but it does help to get it out. Holding stuff in is what hurts most.
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Peace
Bob
Thanks Bob, sometimes it’s as if I’m looking over my own shoulder saying “why the hell are you putting yourself through this?”. Got to keep going though, I’ve come to far to quit now
Love
Mac
Memories can really be painful, so true. I hope the collective shoulder crying makes it all feel a little bit better.
Love
Daniel
Daniel
You’re so right. I just wish that memories would stop forking other memories, it really hurts when I look at situations that shouldn’t have happend and I start questioning the very people that I trusted to love and protect me, that’s probably the biggest betrayal of all. Talking about this does help, it stops me losing myself to rage which I don’t want to do again.
Love
Mac