Stunned! Yes that’s a pretty good word to describe how I feel at the moment. Stunned and, in a strange way, relieved. I’ve yet to work out exactly why I built that wall but it was clearly intended to last a lifetime and for all it’s coming down is forcing me to re-evaluate my whole life from the age of 11 I’m certain that I’ll come through this a better person. One thing that’s already become clear is the link between physical and mental cruelty I’m beginning to think that the one can’t exist without the other.
I now remember very clearly something from when I was 12 that is in many ways a perfect example of mental cruelty aimed at undermining my self confidence. As a child I had very poor fine motor control which made me quite bad at things like crafts and woodwork as well as making my handwriting terrible. Starting to learn the violin went a long way to improving things and at 12 I set myself the task of building a model spitfire. Not from an Airfix kit, with a lot of help from older sisters and Dad I’d been building them for years, but from scratch using balsa wood I’d bought out of my pocket money.
Using an Airfix model for scale I carefully drew the designs on to the pieces of wood, rough cut with my fret saw (yet another present designed to make me more of a ‘boy’) and then began the long process of carefully sanding it down. It took days as I could only work at it when I’d finished prep and violin practice but at last all the sections were ready for assembly. Making the propeller and the undercarriage was incredibly difficult but eventually I’d done it all and very carefully glued everything together. Then I made a little plaque to go beside it detailing which mark it was and the date I’d finished it. not wanting to move it I left it where it was, on Dad’s workbench, so he’d see it the next time he went in to the shed. Admittedly it still needed painting, which I was going to ask for help with, but I was very proud of my effort and wanted him to be as well.
The next evening I was told that it was “quite good” and got a list of minor discrepancies and flaws together with a criticism for the amount of wood I’d wasted. I felt utterly crushed and I think I may have hated him at that moment, all I’d been looking for was his approval and perhaps a hug. As it was I started to actively invite his disapproval soon after that which of course gave him ample excuses to administer physical punishments which he duly did.
That was the last time I ever did anything to make anybody proud of me, from that moment everything I did and achieved was for me and me alone.
Love
I used to think in a very similar way…, I was desperate for my dad to proud of me, but then my dad and yours seem to come from a totally different mindset. One thing I did discover though, through the years, was that the less I tried, the more proud he became. I guess in the end, he just wanted me to be the best person I could be.
You dad seems overly too critical, I can’t even begin to understand how that must have felt, and i’m sure you are still feeling the effects.
Octavius.
I didn’t mind him being demanding, a lot was expected of me and at first I tried hard to live up to that. I think he started out believing that he was being helpful, making me think about mistakes so I could correct them and do better next time. The trouble with that approach, when you’re 12, is that you only see disappointment, you don’t have the maturity to see that there’s a lesson to be learned. A “Well done” and a hug followed by a helpful lesson on what I’d missed or done wrong could have made it all different. And yes, I do still feel the effects, I just wish I didn’t.
Mac
Hello Mac. The path you are on is a hard one. So many things to strain to understand. You have to look at it from so many ways and then wonder what you missed. One day it will make you feel one way, then next another. I do not envy you the task you have chosen. I have no words to share on understanding as I still don’t. I do however live my life to the fullest of my potential, as me. All of me with all my parts, doing the best I can. My reward is I like me. I like the person I am , who I have become. That the memories can’t take away.
I hope that is a reward you also share. The others have wanted to make you in an image they controlled. I hope for you is the peace you have earned!
My warmest thoughts for you and yours,
Scottie
Thank You Scottie. I think I like the me I’ve become but I honestly don’t think it was ever necessary to be put through such a fierce trial to become that me, I was always fundamentally a good kid. Being nice to me would have made me better, being harsh with me only made me resentful and delayed the development of the nice me. For most of my teen years I was too screwd up to care about any one else and became utterly selfish, it wasn’t until I met Gary that I ever let anyone into my life properly.
Mac
I agree with you. Ron and I often talk about what I may have become had I not had the treatment I did, or the baggage I carried.
I am really glad you like your self, and I think that is something most people have trouble with, even those who never had to experience what you went through.
Warm thoughts to you.
Scottie
Fathers and sons always have a difficult relationship. I grew up thinking I should be just like my dad: military man, marry, kids, career.
And, since I am named for him, I always suspected he wanted those smae things as well.
but then I relaized I was gay; I relaized I had no desire to be in the military; I would not marry.
I placed all sorts of blame on myself for not being able to live up to what I ‘imagined’ my father wanted for me.
Years, later, as an adult, my father said all he ever wanted for his children was that they “be happy.”
And then I relaized I am more like my father than i ever thought. You come through it, hopefully, and realize that evryone goes through it, though as different levels. But I do think reflection back on a childhood such as yours, no matter how painful, no matter how long it takes, will, in the end, be good for you, and good for anyone who knows you, or anyone who went through a similar childhood.
Bob – Isn’t that strange? The very sort of man who as you say would expect his son to follow in his footsteps turns out to be the one who wants only the best for him. I guess that we do have difficult relationships with our fathers and mine was undoubtedly complicated by the fact that he probably felt like an interloper, I think boys who’ve taken on the role of “man of the house” when very young are bound to feel a certain resentment towards the man who suddenly usurps that place.
I know that ultimately I’ll find peace within myself, who knows I might even find some forgiveness, but you’re right, if telling my story helps one person make sense of a similar experience or indeed, as far as sexual abuse is concerned, helps one child to bring it to an end or stop it happening in the first place, then it will all have been worthwhile