Damn it! This thing is really messing with my head. It doesn’t matter what I try to do to keep my mind off it somehow it intrudes and I’m once again stuck in a circular and pointless re-examination of my childhood. It really isn’t getting me anywhere so intellectually I know I shouldn’t drive myself batshit by worrying at it. Sadly, as that very past proves, intellectual knowledge and reality are two very different animals.
Even reading some of the bendiest books in our collection can’t seem to occupy my mind sufficiently to prevent the intrusion of painful and potentially dangerous memories. It probably comes as no surprise when I say I’m having real trouble sleeping again and am seriously considering talking to my GP about a short course of sleeping tablets. That’s not something I really want to do but I find myself suddenly afraid of sleep in a way that I haven’t experienced since the bastard who was abusing me invaded my sleep to give me a full blown nightmare when I was 12.
The only good thing I’ve realised is that this unwelcome revelation doesn’t actually change a huge amount in the book, I have to slot in the repressed memories that I’m dealing with but the reasons behind that aren’t what the book is about. It’s always been my intention that the story will essentially take place in what was then the present and will deal with how events affected me at the time. I guess you could say that it’s the diary which, for fairly obvious reasons, I never kept.
Hopefully in this unpleasant and unplanned journey I’ll turn up a memory that’s happy or funny, surely there must be a couple of those trapped along with the horrible ones, if I do I’ll tell the story as an anodyne to the current gloomy tone.
Love
I wish you a night of restful undisturbed sleep. I will send warm healing thoughts to you.
May your body and mind work together to help your emotions join in gaining some peace.
Be well, and I will think of you tonight.
Scottie
Thank you Scottie, healing thoughts are very welcome, a good nights sleep would be as well
Mac
Trauma that horrific leaves a scar, as you well know. I don’t think that sleep will ever come easy for you. Maybe you are right to seek out medication, but in the end that could just cause you to be trapped somewhere you don’t want to be.
All I can say to you, is that I hope you believe that that time of your life is over. You are safe, and well loved by your fella, not too mention many others around these parts. That alone should make you feel a little better.
I wish there was more I could do for you. In fact I can’t think of anything better right now, than sitting in your front room with a cup of tea, talking about whatever…., that’s a pretty nice dream, shame there is a massive expanse of ocean between us.
Octavius.
I’ll take the thought for the deed and pretend the ocean isn’t there. No, I don’t think that sleep and I are ever going to be very good friends again but I really don’t want to get trapped into the drug dependency thing.
That part of my life is over and I’m secure and loved by so many people from so many places but it’s impossible not to get angry sometimes when I think of what could have been, what I could have achieved. I’ll never think of my life as wasted or ruined but it’s sometimes hard not to think of it as forced into a direction that I never wanted.
Mac