The things that I’m unearthing are becoming increasingly disturbing and the reasons for the elisions are becoming very clear. Some time ago I mentioned the complex self harm that I inflicted on myself, deliberately provoking bigger, stronger boys and men into beating me up, preferably leaving me bleeding.
This was all part of my reaction to my sense of utter worthlessness and it’s quite possible that my deteriorating relationship with my Dad was part of this same disturbed behaviour, I knew what his limits were and I certainly pushed him beyond them every time we argued. Apart from being a “just” punishment for a dirty, unlovable and bad child, pain gave me an anchor, something to remind me that I was alive even though most of the time I wished I wasn’t. The method I used was also a desperate cry for attention, surely someone would notice such outlandish behaviour wouldn’t they?
So what new and disturbing event have I managed to unearth now? When I was 15, not long after nature had finally given in and decided that I could reach puberty after all, I was doing my usual provocation act on a suitable target who was proving much more of a challenge than usual. I was not being denied though, I needed my just punishment and he was bloody well going to give it to me! It took nearly half an hour of being supercilious and offensive but at last his self control snapped and he knocked me to the floor, so far so good. Expecting a kicking I was completely unprepared for him grabbing me by the balls and lifting me clear off the floor. It was without doubt the most hellish pain I’d ever experienced but much more horrifying was the fact that I got an instant erection and bloody near came on the spot.
This descent into what I could only see as perversion really scared me but at the same time opened the door to a whole new world of possibilities, ways in which I could really bring upon myself the utter humiliation that I believed I deserved and I embraced the opportunity with enthusiasm.
It wasn’t until I was 19 and got picked up by a man about 10 years older than me, who actually cared about me, that I managed to break out of that awful mindset. Amongst other things he taught me that I wasn’t worthless, dirty or bad, that I wasn’t the ugliest kid alive and probably most important of all he taught me that not only could I get some pleasure out of sex, I should and he always made sure that it happened. Before him I’d just assumed that being used and hurt was the way things worked.
He also warned me not to fall in love with him and that if I did I’d get hurt so of course I fell in love with him and I got hurt but that was hardly his fault.
Love
When you’re into a free fall in life I believe the perspectives totally screws up. Heading towards destructive behaviour is probably just a part of it. I’m not sure I’d call it perversion though, you simply didn’t know there was anything else until it was shown to you.
When thinking of it, your abusers were the ones giving in to their perverted ideas. You were their victim. Their tool.
Love
Daniel
I guess it’s mostly about perception isn’t it? One of the worst things about having a fairly strict Christian upbringing was that it became very easy to see everything as wicked and sinful, even though I’d lost my personal faith. In many ways I failed myself by being far too ready to accept the blame for almost everything hence the desire to be punished, hurt and humiliated.
It’s kind of nice to realise the truth even if it took so long
Love
Mac
Wow, hard memories to relive. You have a great wound to clean. My heart goes out to you. I think organised religion used as a club against the natural world of the young is one of the great crimes against children. I am sorry you , like so many, had to judge yourself against that unmovable hard place.
I think of you often. Should you need a break from the thoughts that chase each other around your head, I am available. I will listen.
Warmest thoughts, healing wishes,
Scottie
Thank you Scottie. There are moments, not often I’m glad to say, when this stuff threatens to overwhelm me and it really does help to know that there is someone like you to talk to. I agree one hundred percent on religion, anything that can make children believe that they’re sinners is fundamentally evil.
Love
Mac