And now the good news, I’ve kind of got out of yesterday’s dark place and have got events into some sort of perspective. Even when rationality tells me that some things weren’t my fault it’s pretty hard to have respect for a boy who, despite obvious intelligence, allowed himself to sink that low. Once certain behaviour patterns have been established it’s hard to break out of them especially when every outrageous act was being cheered on by the very people who should have been helping me, namely my school “friends”, I resent having been a freak show for their entertainment.
I may have portrayed the man who effectively broke me out of that self destructive behaviour as some kind of saint, he was far from it. He did make me understand a lot of things about myself and he did completely change my attitude towards sex but he also used me pretty cynically. Having discovered that sex was fun and not just a way of punishing myself I kind of went for it in a big way. This guy realised pretty soon that he wasn’t going to be able to keep up with the demands of a newly liberated 19 year old trapped in the body of a hormonally supercharged 15 year old so instead of letting me run wild with just anyone he began passing me round his various friends on the Guildford gay scene. To all intents and purposes I became an unpaid rent boy and the guys, some well into their 60s would “book” me for a night. I was mostly happy with the arrangement, the idea of actually being paid for sex was anathema and I had no trouble rationalising away the fact that I never paid for anything when I was with any of those men.
I suppose that I should resent being used like that but I don’t, there were some pretty heavy characters around that area and I’d probably have ended up in more trouble than I could handle. He wasn’t a saint but for a while he was at least something of a guardian angel.
Love
I should feel happy for you, enjoying sex and having fun. What can be better for a teen about to burst of testosterone? Still the feeling of abuse stays with me, even though it did change for the better. Maybe this was the best and safest arrangement possible? I mean, the alternative, out on your own, it’s pretty obvious where that would lead, isn’t it?
Love
Daniel
Yes, all things considered being kept in a sort of sandbox was probably for the best, self control was never my strong suit but there’s always the nagging feeling that I swapped vicious abuse for a sort of benign abuse.
Love
Mac
It wasn’t my own problem but I have seen, and tried to help, a variety of young men who were gay or bisexual and who desperately wanted partners.
Monogamy is for those who wish to practice it and it has no pre-ordained role in the gay world – it didn’t then and it should not know. As as ideal – yeah OK – some may wish it in their ‘eventual’ relationship but personally I feel there’s less of a problem if we make it a matter of personal taste. (Pete and I don’t do sex with others (largely because we don’t get the chance very often!) but we would need each other’s consent to fuck around with anyone and would almost certainly want to share anyone in a threesome, I think. So we’re kind of monogamous ourselves.)
You (and many I have known) were infinitely safer being partnered by people who knew each other (or at least who knew your ‘mentor’) and I wouldn’t term that abuse or even think you were taken advantage of. Presumably you could have said ‘no’ to anyone and it would have been respected. Therefore what you did was of your own freewill.
Utterly fine! Good on yer! Bet you had, er, a ball!
I totally agree with you on the issue of monogamy, Gary and I became monogamous rather than making it a pre-requisite of our relationship and as you say opportunity becomes rarer as time goes by and yes, we would probably want to share if an additional person was brought in to the sexual aspect of our lives. I’ve actually encouraged the idea more than once because after all what’s wrong with a bit of consensual fun?
It did take me quite a while to understand the very real benefit of the “arrangement” and to understand that he really did have my best interests at heart. I was pretty well out of control at the time, still drinking fairly heavily and dangerously immature both physically and emotionally. Without that safeguard, and I like your use of the term mentor, things could have got very nasty. Definitely not an abusive situation but in a very bizarre way it was almost like having my father with me every time I went any where near the local gay pub, now that’s screwed up!
And yes, I had a ball *blush*
It seem you had what you needed when you needed, even if you did not see that at the time, or understand it now.
The hard thing is everyone is different, and every situation is not a one size fits all. The situation you were in may have utterly destroyed another person, but was what you needed for your own needs at that time.
I refuse to make a judgement call on other persons situation until I full understand it. In this case how can any of us who have not had to live your life and developed as you had. We should accept it as you feel about it, and be happy for the fact you are still OK.
I have known guys who loved the life of a shared boy, they were very comfortable not having to make decisions for themselves. I couldn’t do it. On the other hand what I looked for in my life did not suited my first lover in the Army. He wanted the much older Sargent ( who was in love with me ) to take him by the hand and be his daddy. A role I couldn’t play.
I think this did not come out very clear, I knew what I want to say , but not how to say it well. I guess I am saying I respect the choices you made for yourself based on why you felt the need to.
It’s OK Scottie I got what you meant. Micky summed it up pretty well actually I was probably a lot safer being the shared property of a select group of kind and, not that it really mattered, fairly well off older men. I was in a very dangerous place with myself and really would have probably made some bad choices. What this did for me worked on two levels, one I got all the action I wanted (needed) and two I was kept safe from the darker side of the 70s gay scene.
One of the things you’ve probably noticed about me is that I’m pretty candid about myself and I can say without any shame that at 19 I was physically about 15 and emotionally probably about 12/13 so I was undoubtedly pretty vulnerable. No, he wasn’t a saint, when he first saw me he thought I really was 15 and that’s what turned him on, but he did protect me from myself.