It wasn’t my intention to overplay the suspense at the end of my last post and something has happened that means I won’t be finishing that story for a day or so. What I will say is that this story is a happy one and my parents agreed to my spending almost all my savings on that violin. I will finish the story because it’s worth telling, possibly more so now.
I’ve just heard from my younger sister that my Dad has passed away and it’s left me in a strange emotional place. Dad and I had a somewhat turbulent relationship as you know but it would be disingenuous of me to lay all of the blame at his feet, I played my part in the whole unpleasant drama. Part of me, a part that I’m frankly ashamed of is relieved, not becasue he’s gone but because he never knew and now he’ll never know what happened to me during the two years before he became my Dad and the year after. There have been many occasions when I couldn’t help but wonder if he didn’t get a pretty crappy bargain in his ready made son.
I’m deeply saddened by this loss but I don’t think grief is appropriate, indeed I think it would be somewhat hypocritical. One thing that I cannot deny is that he worshipped my Mum and gave her the life she deserved after the dreadful suffering she endured from my father. I’m honest enough to recognise that part of our problem was jealousy, I was very close to Mum particularly after my brush with death at the age of eight and often felt that he was coming between us.
I’ll be back in a day or so but for the moment I’ve got some thinking to do.
Love
I’m so sorry to hear this. Take whatever time you need to sort things out, I’ll be waiting.
My thoughts are with you all.
Love
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel. I just wish I knew how to feel just now
Love
Malcolm
Strange range of emotions that swirl in one at this point. I think celebrating the good he did is appropriate as long as you do not get hypocritical and white wash the faults. My mom had a hard life with her husband, but when he died she made him a saint. She can’t face the truth, it hurts too much. She, like you, is slowly coming to terms with the real abuse. I never felt any emotion when he passed ( and still do not ) even though I had given him his home care for the last two weeks of his life. His mind was gone and he was not the same man who had abused me. I forgave him everything he needed to be forgiven for. I did that for both of us. The man who hurt me was already gone.
Each person must grieve in their own way. I will send my strongest best wishes and warmest thoughts out to you. If I can help please write and tell me. I will always listen.
I care.
Love to you , may peace find and fill you,
Scottie
Thank you Scottie.
Sorry to hear this. Death is always difficult. It makes it all that much harder when we don’t know how to react, or how we really feel about it. I hope you and your family can come to terms with your loss quickly.
-nl.
Thanks for your support. I was talking to my younger sister yesterday and she said that she didn’t know how to feel either it’s a very complicated situation for us but I’m sure we’ll get there in the end.
Love
Mac
My condolences to you Mac in whatever way you need them. Grief can not only be for persons, but for events, experiences, and relationships.
You are the primary person on these blogs who reaches out and HUGS those in need of support.
I want to HUG you now, as I am sure that all your readers do. We are here for you, too. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I hope you may be comforted by listening to your favorite requiem or other reassuring music. If you need to sing Hallelujah, there is all right, too.
David
Thank you for the HUG, David. It’s strange but I’m in a conventional place now and cried last night and again this morning. Music will help of course, it always does in times of stress and sadness. Funnily enough the “real” Hallelujah is most appropriate now as one of the things he admired most was my performance when we did Messiah at school which was my first outing with my newly grown up voice and He and Mum swore they could hear me above the other tenors.
I don’t think there was ever a doubt that we loved each other, our problem was that we disliked each other a great deal which is a pity.
Thanks again for your love and support
Love
Mac
As my brother famously said when our abusive father died -
‘Let’s for and burn the bugger!’ (he was cremated).
But I think you loved him more than any of us loved our dad – we tried to do the decent thing for our Mum’s sake, of course.
Go and curse him for the lack of understanding and for using violence as the answer to so many questions – and grieve for his loss for the times he could love you and perhaps was just a bit of a friend.
‘Go and bury the bugger!’
Yes, I think I have to, Micky. At first I was going to send some flowers with the message “I couldn’t be the son you wanted and you tried to be the Father you thought I needed, it didn’t work” but decided that it’s better said in person so to speak. I still think my grief is mostly about what didn’t happen because what did happen still maks me angry. Pretty messed up I guess but somewhere in there there’s some love left.
Mac, I’m so sorry that your father has passed away. Take your time healing. I can tell you from experience it takes a while to deal with the death of a parent. no matter what a person does they are always our parents and that affects us in ways we can’t imagine. take care of yourself, we’ll be here.
Tahnk you Kyle. It’s strange how deeply I’ve been affected by this I almost felt like a hypocrite at first but I guess you’re right he was Dad for all teh bad that happened, and the good which is important to remember