Tears. My whole life seems to have been tears and if they all fell in one place I could drown continents.
I cried when I was ten and a big hulking teenager hurt me so badly that he made me bleed.
I cried almost every night after that until I reached the point, at the age of twelve, when I seriously thought about killing myself so he couldn’t touch me again, I couldn’t see any other way out.
I cried as an eleven year old because all the boys in my form picked on me because I had ginger hair.
I cried again just before I was thirteen because I knew beyond all doubt that I was queer and believed that the abuser had made me that way and from that day until I left grammar school at the age of eighteen I don’t think I ever stopped crying.
I tried drinking and that just made me cry even more so I tried drugs and for a little while I didn’t cry but then I realised that was because I’d lost all feeling from my brain downwards so I quit that.
Finally I tried accepting that I was a filthy little queer who was just there to be used and lo, the tears went away for a while and I was temporarily healed.
That’s not a suggestion on how to live a life, just an observation of fact.
Love
Mac . . . so now you are a BIG queer with great self-esteem, who no longer needs to cry. What gay teenagers hopefully are learning from a more progressive society, today, is that gays can be proud and not be used. Unfortunately, it was not that way back in the time . . .
David
David
Thank you for reminding me of those important facts, sometimes I forget who I am and get lost in who I was
Love
Mac
I should have bought shares in Kleenex.
(go on, smile you bugger!)
Hey Mac…
I read your posting and could feel the pain in it…. I wish the world was a better and safer place for people, especially kids. I came very close to having similar situations in my childhood, but I was gifted with a certain sensitivity to people, and picked up on signals from adults at a very early age. I was, in effect, an expert on survival, by age 6 or so….I spent a good part of my childhood, escaping from bad situations and during one period in particular, I believe that my instincts for survival may have saved my life, literally… I was very lucky as well, and have always felt that I was being watched over, to some degree…
I hope the telling of your story helps you in some way; I think it will have an impact on those that take the time to read it, even though it’s a very difficult topic… Thank you for having the courage to share it with us!!
Love, Tony
Tony
Probably one of the worst things about growing up in an isolated village was that I had no sense of danger or threat, there wasn’t any need for it or so I thought. My childhood best friend and I played in the woods near home from about the age of 7 and our parents never worried as long as we were home before dark. The real shock to people who have the courage to read the whole story when it’s finished is going to be the truth behind the pretty facade of the sleepy little village that appears at the top of my blog, reality is going to hurt. Hopefully lessons can still be learned from my past.
Love
Mac
I really do believe that it is your generation that I have to thank for being balanced and well adjusted. You lived through a dark age I think and thanks to you and people like you dragged society from that age into a more enlightened one, I’m not saying everythings perfect but at least we can see a way forward now. So thanks.
‘LEast we not forget’
Nick
Nick
Thank you. You’re right of course things are far from perfect but I do think they’re a lot better. If that wasn’t so then all that I and boys like me went through would be wasted. The biggest single step forward, in my opinion, is that boys no longer have to suffer that awful sense of being the only one alive who has this “affliction” small wonder that I consider the internet to be the second most exciting thing I’ve ever seen (remember that I watched the first moon landing)
Love
Mac
Mac, let the tears flow and the hurt tear you apart. They make way for the peace, acceptance, and understanding. Sorry you had such a rough night. Consider this a huge hug to help with all the emotional mess.
Again thank you Kyle a hug is very welcome just now