Hello everyone, I’m feeling somewhat better having stopped taking one of the drugs that may have been causing problems. I’m not sleeping any better but that’s a small price to pay against suffering a level of depression bordering on the psychotic. I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who sent messages of support, they meant a great deal to me.
Possibly the worst aspect of this episode was that I found myself caught in a loop of anger that seemed to be stuck at about the age of twelve and I was at quite serious risk of losing myself in the plethora of painful and quite often degrading memories. It’s probably quite easy as an observer to say that I should be over all that by now, it happened a long time ago, but trust me that’s a great deal easier said than done. The events of my childhood, from the age of ten onwards, had a profound effect on me and my family. Even though the family had no inkling of what was happening they suffered by association as my behavioural problems deepened.
I won’t claim that the abuse, bullying and the difficulties of facing my sexuality ruined my life, that’s would be a simplistic and inaccurate assessment. What those events did was change the course of my life quite radically and led to a period of uncontrolled drinking, drug taking and almost compulsive casual sex. When one is confused and vulnerable it’s very easy to mistake physical intimacy for affection and affection for love with often emotionally painful results. On many occasions I drew the wrong conclusion from someone’s interest in me and got myself hurt.
I’m not particularly proud of a great many things I did in my youth but then again I’m not ashamed of most of them either. Certain actions were necessary to ensure my own survival in the face of what seemed like insuperable odds. I am, if not ashamed, then certainly saddened by the people I hurt especially three, yes three, girls who for reasons of their own elected to fall in love with me. That I trampled on their emotions so seemingly casually is still an aspect of myself that I find distasteful in the extreme.
So where am I now? Well, having perforce taken a week off writing I feel ready to enter that fray again. Undifferentiated anger is not a good place to write from, it makes everything too introverted and erratic. I’ll also get back to posting here regularly as this seems to be the place where I discover the lighter side of those dreadful days and it’s important to remember that there were lighter, at times hilarious, moments along the way.
Once again thank you all for your support, love and care.
Mac
I’m sorry to hear you found yourself a pit to fall down into, I really hope your way back from it will be fast and smooth.
I guess this is the downside of opening that door to the past, some stuff coming out from there is just overwhelming and difficult to handle… despite all those years that has passed.
Take care my friend and fellow traveller in life.
Love
Daniel
Daniel
Thank you for the good wishes, I think recovery is well under way for now but well, who knows what the future holds?
You’re right of course, there is a definite risk in opening that door but I still believe that it’s something that has to be done. Perhaps I do need to approach things a little more cautiously though.
Love
Malcolm
Hey! I’m really pleased that you’re up for kicking one of your druggie habits at least!
Mind you – it’s exactly the sort of thing many mixed-up teens do is get involved in drugs, isn’t it? And of course there’s nothing the least bit unusual in teens trampling all over each other’s emotions – they do it all the time, don’t they?
But none of that reduces the emotional traumas suffered through sex abuse or physical abuse – and you copped for both, of course. So I guess you’re entitled to get a bit upset when you overdose on it all.
Thank you Micky. I guess that there’s not a great deal of difference between drugs apart from one of them having my GP’s signature on a prescription. The reference to overdosing is apt, I suddenly found myself with 3 or 4 different bits of my life crowding for attention and in trying to get all of it down I got a bit confused, then I got cross and eventually I got horribly depressed.
As for the trampled emotions well, the first 2 I’ll always feel a bit bad about even if it is something that teens do to each other. The 3rd one though was self inflicted on her part to a certain extent – Me: “I’m queer” She: “We’ll have to see about that” I think I’ve got a pretty strong defence there.
Love
Malcolm
Mac,
I have been diagnosed clinically depressed, myself. My sympathies for your troubles.
I hope you are in a much better frame of mind currently.
Love,
SB
SB
Yes, I’m a lot better now and actually not caring too much about insomnia if the alternative is that sort of depression. You have my sympathy as well, it really is a miserable place to be isn’t it?
Love
Mac
Yes, it is miserable, love. Definitely. I’ve had bouts with insomnia, as well.
Love,
SB
I would never tell you to get over it. I get caught up in memory loops my self. The same memory or thoughts going round and round my head with out stopping. At any time or odd times I suddenly am replaying those memories of bad times. Takes great effort to distract my self from them.
Medications are necessary for some things, but they are chemicals and can affect each person differently. The pain medication I use might not be so effective for another. I am glad you recognized what was happening and stopped taking the medication in time.
May your mind and heart be sooth and filled with love,
Scottie
That’s really the key isn’t it. Scottie? I accept the morphine (time release) becasue that stops me being in pain but what the Amitriptyline did was just terrifying and left me so vulnerable to the worst possible memories.
Love
Mac
Medicine can be a wonderful angel of relief, or a creature from the darkest depths of hell. TH was on a pain medicine after a particularly painful surgery that caused him to dream of killing us, over and over and over again. He would beg me not to leave him as he was terrified of falling asleep, because the carnage would begin again. We stopped the meds as soon as we figured it out, but it took days for it to completely leave his system and even longer for his fear of sleep to fade.
I’m glad that you quit the medicine that was causing you to spiral down, down, downward. Lack of sleep is doable, living with crushing depression and tides of anger is not. Glad to hear you are doing better.
Biki
That’s a really extreme and horrible reaction that TH had, I’m just glad that you realised what was happening and took action. When you’re in great pain you put all your faith in the doctor but sadly there’s no way of knowing who will suffer any of the possible side effects, it’s a lottery.
It’s one of the things that make me wonder a little bit about the past. When I was in my teens and the knee problems started I was on pain killers for a while at 15 and that’s round about the time the worst of my depression started as well. Coinicidence?
Love
Mac