- I’m a redhead and have the temper traditionally associated with that hair colour, you have been warned
- I’m an Aries and allegedly typical of the sign, whatever the hell that means
- My favourite music forms are Baroque and Prog’ Rock. Having studied music theory to A level and beyond I find no inconsistency there
- I’m a musician having trained on violin, viola, piano, organ and voice. I compose music but I can’t write song lyrics to save my life, any volunteers?
- The 2 things my Mother most often said to me were “for such an intelligent boy you can sometimes be really dense” and “one of these days that temper of yours will get you into real trouble” she was right on both counts
- I last saw my biological father when I was 4. He came home and I ran down the path screaming “Mummy there’s a strange man coming”
- I climbed my first tree at the age of 9 and fell out of it. I didn’t break any bones but landed in a patch of stinging nettles, I was only wearing swimming trunks
- I should have been circumcised for medical reasons at the age of 10 but kicked up such a stink that the idea was abandoned, I preferred the pain of having my foreskin forcibly retracted to the idea of someone chopping bits off my willie
- In one sense I lost my virginity at the age of 10, it hurt and I didn’t want it to happen but was too small to stop it. The proper word is, of course, rape
- At the age of 11 I got invaded by a tape worm, the treatment was more unpleasant than the affliction but I was morbidly fascinated by the idea of expelling a worm at least as long as me
- On my first day at Grammar School, aged 11, all the boys called me a bastard because I didn’t have a father. Being at Mum’s wedding when I was 12 didn’t improve the situation
- Within my first half term at Grammar School I tried to strangle one of the boys who was bullying me
- I allowed 2 other village boys, both 14, to have sex with me when I was 12 which made me accept that I was queer. I thought the abuse had made me this way and I was very angry, I cried all night
- Just before my 13th birthday sexual abuse suddenly stopped after almost 3 years, perhaps I was too old for him?
- Aged 13 and kept back at school, I missed the coach and faced a 7 mile walk home in pouring rain. A mile or so into the walk I accepted the offer of a lift from a total stranger. He didn’t do anything, my parents did quite a lot and it hurt
- At 14 I played the organ at Portsmouth Cathedral after a wedding
- Also at 14 I sang at the Royal Festival Hall
- At 15, during an argument with my parents I said “fuck” in front of my Mum. I was severely punished ‘nuff said
- I didn’t start puberty until I was 15½, the last boy in my year to get there by a very long way. I was horrified when I started puberty and found that I had ginger pubes, I’m not sure what colour I was expecting or hoping for
- At 16 I was invited to apply for a music scholarship to Dartington Hall in Devon, my parents rejected the idea
- At 16 I ran away from home, the police were alerted and blockaded all 4 roads out of the village so I got caught. I was threatened with boarding school and then severely punished ‘nuff said.
- Aged 17 I founded a Schools Associate branch of the National Union of Students at Midhurst Grammar School, the Headmaster swore vengeance
- I was offered a provisional place at Exeter University to read music. Needing two A’s and a B, I deliberately did badly so that I wouldn’t get the place; I was teaching my parents a lesson for Dartington Hall. Doing badly was harder work than doing well
- At 18, after A and S levels, my last words in school were shouted at the Headmaster, in front of the entire sixth form “FUCK OFF”
- At 18, on a camping holiday, staying near Kinlochleven, a friend and I were interrupted in the middle of outdoor sex by an RAF Phantom from Lossiemouth doing a low level pass. We both got the giggles
- A few nights later we did it outdoors in the Pass of Glencoe; I wondered if any of my ancestors’ ghosts were watching
- At 19 I applied to join the Royal Navy but was rejected because I couldn’t swim. My parents couldn’t understand why I thought that was funny
- At 19 I “outed” myself by having full sex in a car in the middle of the floodlit car park of the hotel where I was working; in full view of management, live-in staff and guests I was stark naked, the man was fully dressed well, you know what I mean
- At 19 I was raped again
- Still 19 I was taken to a party in Guildford, all men of course. I have no memory between arriving there and waking up, clean but sore, in a strange flat at lunchtime the next day. Thank fuck mobile phones and the internet weren’t around then!
- At my big sister’s wedding I wore a green 3 piece suit with very flared trousers, a gold silk tie and had a gold silk handkerchief in my breast pocket, I also had a moustache and very long hair. I looked like a total bell-end but it was the 70s
- In a “conventional” sense I lost my virginity to a woman when I was 23, I wasn’t very good at it, didn’t enjoy it and thought about my former school friend all the way through. That was the first time I had to buy condoms and it was embarrassing
- I’ve been hospitalised by a Hell’s Angel, one punch and I woke up in the casualty department of the Cambridge Military Hospital in Aldershot
33 odd facts about Malcolm…
Jun 2nd, 2010 by Malcolm McLachlan
30 Responses to “33 odd facts about Malcolm…”
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Sunday February 5 20:54
Wow! What did you do, to cause a Hell’s Angel to punch you out? I wanna hear the rest of that story! Ok, so sex, in a car, in a bright as daylight parking lot? Hmm, this sounds worthy of a post to clean up all the details this story is sure to contain. We wont hold your wardrobe choices against you, yeah? Cause there isn’t a person alive who doesnt have photo evidence of bad clothing choices!
Love this fun little post! I hope you are feeling much better!
Biki
Briefly, I was running a biker pub and had an argument with one of the guys. He was 6′ 3″ and weighed about 14 stone, I was 5′ 9″ and weighed just under 8 stone. A very unequal battle to say the least. That will probably be a full post on its own soon.
The car park? That will definitely be a post on its own as the events surrounding it were weird and very silly. That incident also had a direct effect on the events that led to getting raped again.
As for the fashion statement at Big Sis’s wedding, you’re right almost all of us have at least one embarrassing photo like that. Somewhere in my family there’s a group photo of the wedding party and if I ever find a copy I’ll be sure to post it here, the world deserves to know about my shame!
I hope I’ll feel a little better this afternoon once the ultrasound scan has been done, I hate not knowing.
Love
Mac
A fun and Interesting post Mac. Almost each one could be a post of its own. I look forward to you expanding on them in their proper time. The list will take me some time to properly think on. Very daring to but so truth in each one.
Hugs and best wishes,
Scottie
Scottie
I guess all of those little facts will have to be a full post in time, some of the circumstances surrounding the more outrageous moments are bizarre and surprising.
I guess that I’ve found myself to be beyond getting embarrasssed or shy about the past.
Love
Mac
Hey Mac OMG your teenage years make mine look like a walk through Disneyland on beautiful warm day, with the wind to my back and an ice cream in my hand.
Hey Andy (David?)
My teenage years were challenging, no doubt about that, but I think that’s where my natural bloody mindedness came in and made it possible to plod on regardless. Some of it was fun though.
Love
Mac
Wow, your early life has had quite a few bumps along the way, no not bumps, mountains. My early life was a dream come true compared to what you had to live through. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. Big hug, JR
JR
I think the word “interesting” might apply. It would be depressing if some of the things that happened weren’t so funny, at least some of them are funny now that I’ve got a bit of perspective.
Love
Mac
I can’t help it but I love these kind of random ‘facts’, even though most of these were nothing but fun. Maybe beside #25. The pilot didn’t lose control and crash after spotting you?
Love
Daniel
Daniel
We didn’t hear a crash so I guess my youthful indiscretion didn’t result in the loss of a multi-million pound fighter/bomber. That would have been a teeny bit embarrassing
Love
Malcolm
@ 1: Bollocks! That’s just an excuse put about by (largely) Scots people who have too much to drink and little self control.
@ 4: Possibly. Pete’s trying to get me to do something for him as well.
@ 7,10,13,14,15,29,30&33: ouch!
@ 5,7,11,25,18,21,22,32: par for the course!
Otherwise – he he!, ugh! and OMG really? by degrees.
Smashing post!
Hope very much that the scan thing allows you to relax a bit.
1) Drunken Shcotsh? How dare you, Shir! My Celtic heritage is one of my few good points.
2) Yeah, give me a hand pleeease
“ouch” and “par for the course” probably sum things up quite well. To be honest I’m quite proud of 28 although I did get some very strange looks from the Manager, some guests and some staff the next morning.
The scan situation is still up in the air as I won’t know anything until the consultant’s seen the scan itself. I just love waiting for things like this!
Love
Malcolm
Your life certainly makes mine look less eventful and also makes me thankful for that. You are an excellent writer. And I am with you all the way on #3!
ZenGato
Sometimes I wish my youth had been a topuch less “interesting” but I suppose it’s all part of the experience.
Thanks for the support on #3. I get quite miffed when people think that’s a strange combination.
Love
Mac
These were great, Mac. I like you even more now. If we lived closer, we’d be fast friends.
I’m an Aries, too, and very typical of that sign, with all that implies. I’m April 10. What day is yours?
Love you.
SB
I reckon we’d get on just fine. My birthday is March 24 so smack in the Aries thingy
Love
Mac
Excellent post, Mac, as Scottie said each one could be a post unto itself. I wonder if I limited my life to 33 facts, which ones I would pick.
thank you for sharing
love and light,
Steve
Steve
I actually started off with a list of about 50 things and then trimmed it, some of the other little gems might make a later post but I thought that these give a fairly clear overall picture of me.
A lot of my future posts will be giving the stories behind these “confessions”
Love
Mac
Wow!I’m very glad that you gave me (us) the chance to know you better.
My pleasure! I hope that my somewhat dissolute youth hasn’t shocked anybody.
Love
Mac
#19 really made me laugh because I was a late bloomer also. I was the last one in my gym class to start growing pubes, and yes we were required to change in the locker room and wear jockstraps! And we were required to take showers with my tiny pre-pubscent penis showing. At least when those pubes finally arrived, they weren’t ginger! But I do remember seeing the pubes of a redhead for the first time and being shocked; I guess I’d expected them to be black like all the other guys.
David
While simple observation and logic would suggest that pubes tend to match head hair it was still a horrible shock. It felt like the final cruel joke that nature played on me after such a delayed puberty.
Love
Mac
I know exactly how you feel about being a late developer. I was at a school not a million miles from yours. Even after I developed I still retained a very small penis much remarked upon by other boys. But there was one boy who had still not developed and I therefore felt secure by comparison. But to my horror he came back after a holiday with a deep voice and large acoutrements. I was truly on my own! It was brought home to me one day when running to the PE ground I passed another boy walking. On encouraging him to get running, he replied that he couldn’t because he had left his jock strap behind at home. Up to then I had not realised that jock straps were essential. Embarassingly I realised that I did not need one.
It seemed so unfair didn’t it? I remember feeling completely betrayed by the only other boy in my situation when he came back to school with everything grown.
Why would boys like us need jock straps eh? Nothing to put in there!
Not a million miles away? Chances are I’d know the name of your school, it might even have been one of the ones I wanted to go to before my Mother overrode my choices and sent me to Midhurst.
Love
Malcolm
The school was Collyers (same time as yourself) but surey too far from Petworth? If I remember we had boys from surrounding villages but not from great distances. Did a catchment area policy operate I wonder. I think one grammar school was very much like another. For the most part I enjoyed my time there and in retrospect I think such schools afforded an excellent education for boys of a wide social background. As in most schools there were the rougher elements and there was the usual fly-ripping (no zips then!) and ball-grabbing. Along with others I did my best to avoid this side of things and, apart from two or three notable and memorable exceptions, was successful.
Collyers one my first choice! I was offered places at Collyers, The Royal Grammar School for Boys at Guildford and Midhurst.
Attending Collyers would have been a serious undertaking in terms of travel but I desperately didn’t want to go to Midhurst and experiences from day one supported my feelings. I don’t imagine that things would have been much different at either The Royal or Collyers but that’s something I’ll never know.
I clearly wasn’t as good at avoiding the rougher element as you were and became the target of choice. Possibly red hair just made me more noticeable, a uniqueness that didn’t serve me well.
Love
Malcolm
I think it would have been an impossible journey even though public transport was better then. The ‘bus station was at least 15 mins from the school. This would have meant an 11-12 hour day. Red hair I have never thought about much having had a cousin who had such. But your comment did remind me that we had someone in the class who had red hair and he appeared to be picked on quite a bit. But he was a big lad and was able to hold his own. Along with several of the boys he travelled in by train and in those days there were single compartments. I remember being told on one occasion that a certain part of his anatomy had been covered in biro on the journey home. I also seem to remember that there was a large writing area!! Recently I was told by a classmate that he had met the said person at a re-union. He seemed to have suffered no ill-effects and to have done rather well in life. It’s funny how memories can be stirred. I am thinking of meeting up with some old classmates but I am not sure. I think I prefer to remember them as they were rather than as they have become. We shall see.
Cheers. PS I must confess to not having read all of your material so for me it has been a bit like coming in half-way-through. It was just that some of your school experience resonated with me and this is what I picked up on.
I think red hair on boys was an automatic trigger in those days. Unfortunately I was a very small, skinny chap (severely underweight) and just didn’t have the physical means to defend myself.
I nearly went to a reunion last year until ill health got in the way but aparrently several of my former “form mates” were expressing regret about what they’d put me through from day one. I have to say I was not impressed when I found out.
For all that, though I did have 3 brilliant teachers at Midhurst so it wasn’t all bad.
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