Right, enough of the nonsense of the last few days, whatever the problem is, getting depressed and angry about it isn’t helping. It’s time to take a much more pragmatic attitude to things and get on with life.
I’m taking what I think is a balanced view with pain control and just using pain killers at night, at least that way I get a few hours of decent sleep and that helps improve my outlook. I don’t like having to rely on drugs but sometimes it’s wise to compromise.
Today is a rather sombre day because the 6th of June was my Mum’s birthday and I always remember that rather than the day she died or the day of her funeral. I’d hoped to send some flowers for her grave but money’s horribly tight at the moment so I had to abandon the idea.
My Mum was a pretty incredible person raising a family of 4 children single handed from the time my biological father abandoned us, when I was 4, until her remarriage when I was 12. The money she received from the state was hopelessly inadequate so she did jobs that were way below her abilities or dignity to bring in a little extra.
When I was an insomniac teenager Mum and I used to have very long talks, often until 2 or 3 in the morning, when Dad was on night duty and I learned a great deal about what she went through during those 8 years.
None of the things she told me was pleasant and my anger towards my biological father grew proportionally with each revelation. When she told me that her greatest fear had been that my father would try to abduct me, following his failed attempt to get custody, I was furious.
That understanding did, however, explain the sheer extravagance of the punishment I’d received for accepting a lift from a complete stranger when I was 13 and facing a long, wet walk home from school. Once I understood the real motive behind her anger the pain and embarrassment of a bare bottom spanking didn’t seem disproportionate after all.
Today is a time for reflection; I’ll pick up the tale of my school rugby days tomorrow.
There’s always a place for reflection. In fact, I believe that’s important because it gives us much needed perspectives on what we are nowadays. Hopefully it makes it a little easier to stand the sight of ourselves. That’s my approach to those thoughts of reflection anyway.
Even though it had a touch of pain, it must have felt good getting to know your mother and her thoughts a little better?
Take care, Mac.
Love
Daniel
Daniel
I completely agree with you. One of the biggest problems I had as a youngster was that most of the time I hated myself for who I was and what I did, I think you can relate to that. Finding the perspective to see why I was like that has been terribly imprtant.
Those talks with Mum have always been special memories for me, they only ever happened while Dad was out and I felt that I could be at least a little more honest about things.
Love
Malcolm
I’m sorry about your mother. At least, you got memories from her. And when time passes, it smooths all the perceived injusticies of the past over. Did that make any sense?
Take care, man.
nerstes
Yes it did make sense and you’re right, some of what a very young me saw as gross injustice does seem a little more proportionate now.
Love
Mac
Mums are often, indeed usually, pretty special people and where your and my families shared the dubious distinction of self-indulgent fathers, I understand your love for your Mum and why you miss her so much. We felt the same.
Micky
Thank you, I was certain that you’d understand what I was saying given our sometimes scarily congruent histories.
Next year, flowers for certain
Love
Malcolm
I am glad you are feeling more level now and getting some rest. Some times the drugs do help, and give enough relief to find renewed strength.
Best wishes and hugs,
Scottie
Scotiie
Thanks for the good wishes. While I don’t like taking pain killers I guess it’s all a question of balance.
Love
Mac
Yes, compromises is often the stuff valor is made of. So you are alert and in pain, but functioning during the day, and pain-ish free at night so you may sleep. I’m glad you found a temporary plan to make your life livable, until they find the root cause of your pain.
I’m glad your mum told you things so that much of your little boy life started to make some sort of sense. And the whole freaking out when you accepted a ride from a stranger, is totally understandable even without the added pressure of a bio father who she worried about stealing you from her arms.
Stay strong and pet Mr. Cat for me.
Biki
It’s all a matter of balance I think. Pain makes me irrational and distracts me from the important things. Sleep, on the other hand, is so good that I can’t resent the drugs.
I guess all things make some sense when you get perspective and when I understood why Mum went so mad at me I accepted that her only way to make the point was a physical punishment.
Love, and the Cat has been stroked
Mac
Thank you for sharing the precious moments you had with your Mom. Your Mom was a remarkable person with all she went through trying to raise her children alone.
I can now see why she was so upset at you getting the ride home from a stranger. Just the thought of losing her son to a stranger was probably more then she could handle, especially after the custody battle.
It is good to hear you are balancing the pain versus medication battle. It is my hope that the doctors can figure out the problem quickly so you can live your life with freedom of pain. Hugs, JR
JR
Funny how perspective changes things isn’t it? When the incident happened I was dreadfully upset and thought I’d been very unfairly treated. Once I knew the real situation it all made sense and the punishment was completely proportionate.
The balance of pain control seems to be working quite well at the moment and hopefully my next visit to the consultant will shed a little more light on the problem.
Love
Mac
Your mom sounds swell. She must have been an amazing person.
Love and hugs,
SB
SB
She really was pretty special. It’s hard to explain just how tough it was for her bringing up 4 kids with no husband in 1950s and 60s
Love
Mac