That I’d dodged a very nasty bullet the previous night never occurred to me. In the benighted days of the 60s we lived under some fairly frightening misapprehensions regarding sex and chief amongst those was that to get a girl pregnant you needed to have visibly started puberty.
When I finally learned just how fallacious that belief was I couldn’t believe how close my girlfriend and I had come to messing up our lives forever. There’s never been any doubt in my mind that the God of Buggering-up-Malcolm’s-life-and-having-a-chuckle-about-it would have ordained instant and horrible fatherhood.
Condoms weren’t things that boys my age had anything to do with, I’d have died of embarrassment trying to buy them and anyway, it’s highly unlikely that any chemist or barber would have allowed pre-pubescent me to buy “something for the weekend”.
The one thing that I was now completely certain about was my sexuality, any normal boy would have dragged that girl into bed and things would definitely have happened. Normal boys didn’t have to carefully avoid looking at other boys to prevent unwanted and worrying erections. That I was queer was now beyond question and I started to strategise ways of keeping this from my family, school and anybody else I came into contact with.
One obvious and rather cynical way was to continue to play the devoted boyfriend, a boy who had a girlfriend was ipso facto normal. Thus it was a great relief when I got a cheerful “hello” and a quick kiss in the refectory at breakfast, my cover was safe for now. I’m not proud of that deception but it was necessary for my survival, like so many things I did in my youth.
The lack of any recrimination and the fact that she clearly wanted to continue the relationship suggested that perhaps she’d been caught up in a dangerous moment and was possibly quite relieved that things hadn’t reached their natural conclusion, we took things back to their previous level and everything seemed pretty cool for now.
I continued to get somewhat quizzical looks from the other boys probably because there’d been no audible evidence of any “romance” but thankfully the matter wasn’t pressed. Having no earthly idea what sex with a girl was about I doubt that even my imagination could have spun a convincing story and anyway, I was the world’s crappiest liar as evidenced by a childhood beset by spankings for being found out every time I tried to lie my way out of trouble.
With the matter effectively closed it was time to get back to the infinitely more important business of making beautiful music, in the real sense and not the euphemistic one.
Love
Fatherhood isn’t actually that bad and horrible, however there are other stages in life that should be lived and passed first. I friend of mine had his first kid when he was 16 or 17. Oh boy, did his parents yell at him for ruining his life?? Well I thought so too, however that didn’t stop me from feeling sorry for him not having his parents support in this.
Buying conds at that age, a nightmare! I had my first from my dad when I was 14 and going on a summercamp. He sneaked them down my bag, and before he dropped me off at the camp he told me ‘he had packed something in the bag for me’ ‘??????????’
When I later found them I was like WTF/OMG?! The condoms turned out to be perfect as water bombs, like made for it!
Love
Daniel
Daniel
That’s the point really I guess. The concept of fatherhood in no way horrifies me as an adult, but as an underdeveloped 15 year old?
I first came into possession of condoms at 18 when Dad insisted I started carrying them in my wallet, he was still hoping for a “normal” stepson I suppose..
Love
Malcolm
I played both sides – getting the girlfriends before just, quite casually really, having my first experience in bed with a boy after a party at a friends house. Just wanted to do it properly with a boy after that but I had to wait a while for a different boy on a different occasion. After school didn’t bother with the ‘cover’ of girlfriends.
Mind you – when I started, I thought I was het. I guess and, yeah, it was a bit confusing but we were still a bit high after all those ‘summers of love’ and wondered why we weren’t allowed to have one!
I can’t tell you how much I wanted to be het, at 15 that would have been a dream. Perhaps starting at 10 was a little bit too early even if it hadn’t been my idea.
Lynne and I parted company after I left school having never taken things to a higher level and I’ve never spoken to her since. I never sought a girlfriend after that but there’s a bizarre story to be told about the whole Malcolm and straight sex thing.
My first ‘summer of love’ was the year I left school and finally got things going with the boy of my dreams.
Love
Malcolm
I’ve never understood the fallacy that teens aren’t engaging in sex. Thankfully things are changing in the fact that it’s easier to purchase condoms than it ever has been before. There is nothing wrong with being a parent, but it should be a wanted event, not a dreaded event.
Thanks for our conversation yesterday, I really did enjoy it. I know it didnt seem as though i did, just battling the dragon of depression.
One of the most dangerous fallacies in the world.
I’ve got no problem with the general idea of parenthood but the thought of that happening at 15 is just too frightening for words and I’ve got no doubts that my luck would have led me straight there.
I enjoyed our chat as well.
Love
Mac
Hello Mac. Glad to see you writing again and hope you are feeling much better. many hugs to you, Scottie
Hi Scottie
It’s good to feel like writing again. I’m feeling so much better just now, let’s hope it lasts eh?
Love
Mac
Hey Mac! I too am very happy to see you back posting again and feeling better. I too hope it lasts a good long time.
I really wish the term “queer” when used to describe a person would be banished from print and speech forever. Gay people are no more queer then heterosexuals are. I have the same needs, wants, and desires(well almost) as straight people. Why does there have to be a derogatory term used at all to describe us? There doesn’t and it should stop right now. Sorry for the rant.
It is funny now, looking back at how the marketing of condoms was conducted when we were young a few years ago. lol Pharmacies were almost the only place you could buy them. The ones in the pharmacy were always behind the counter where you had to ask the clerk for a pack. Talk about a humiliating experience for a young person. Now anyone can buy them at the grocery store and use the self serve checkout. Condoms should be available to anyone who needs one and without the guilt trip.
A person can get really good at hiding certain things about oneself if their survival both physically or mentally are in jeopardy. I am an expert in hiding in plain sight as are many people. It is too bad that all of us that are hiding can’t get together because we would have a great time.
You have a great day! Love and hugs, JR
JR
It really is great to be back and never feel you have to apologise for having a bit of a rant, I relish it.
I have issues with the use of the word Gay and always have had, that’s just my personal thing. Having been accused of being “queer” since my first day at Grammar School, aged 11, I’ve always tended to use that as a self-description and in terms of how my parents viewed such things it’s entirely apt within the context of my stories.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about condoms, the first time I actually bought any it was from a chemist and was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I was 23 and still felt guilty about buying them!
Certainly when I was a child and teenager hiding my true nature was an important survival trait and I was mostly pretty good at it. Some suspicions were raised but by and large having a girlfriend deflected them.
A party for the ‘hidden’? What a great idea!
Love
Mac