Part of this story is quite serious, it was one of the worst times of my tenth year and demonstrates the parlous state of child psychology in the 60s.
After a couple of months being molested every weekend I reacted by becoming a bed wetter. I had absolutely no history of night time accidents since potty training days and I was devastated.
The first time it happened Mum took the approach that it was just an accident but when it happened the following night and the night after that it was obvious that we had a problem.
Mum was hoping for a medical cause, so an appointment was made at the surgery in Petworth and I was given a day off school. I wasn’t at all happy about that, I loved school (my primary school that is) and hated being away for any reason.
It was an early appointment so Mum came with me on the school coach and we got off at Lane End to wait for the Southdown bus to Petworth. After what felt like hours in the surgery waiting room, probably about 30 minutes, we got called in to the doctor.
By the age of 10, having a pretty poor health record, I’d got used to certain things happening whenever I went to the doctor or he came to see me at home.
The first thing was that I always ended up with no clothes on, not too big a deal at 10 and certainly no worse than having a female teacher supervise us in the changing room after our weekly swimming lesson.
The second thing was that regardless of what part of me was misbehaving I always seemed to end up with the doctor’s finger up my bottom. This had been happening for as long as I could remember and I had a dark suspicion that it would happen even if I complained of a headache.
Apparently satisfied that there was nothing wrong there, nobody bothered to explain why this might reveal something, the doctor got me on my back and started looking at the area that I would have thought the obvious culprit.
After poking around for a while he tried to pull my foreskin back and it refused to go. He looked up at Mum, frowned and said
“Hmm, that’s not right”
Then without another word he just yanked the damned thing all the way back and told me to be quiet when I screamed at the top of my voice.
After finishing his examination he talked to Mum, referring to me in the third person as if I wasn’t even in the room. He told her that there was a strong possibility that I’d need a circumcision.
OK enough! Nobody used words like that around me without some sort of explanation, I demanded to know what this “circumcision” was. Holding the offending bit the doctor explained that they’d put me to sleep and snip the problem off.
I went berserk.
Indignant defiance isn’t easy when you’re 10 and naked but I managed it pretty well. Putting me to sleep and taking away my tonsils and adenoids had been one thing but putting me to sleep and cutting bits off my willie was not happening.
I jumped off the couch and stood there quivering with rage while both adults tried to explain that lots of boys had this done, in some countries all of them had it done when they were babies.
No sale! Taking a deep breath I put every little bit of my voice into one of the most dangerous word I knew where Mum was concerned.
“NO!”
That got me a quick, hard slap on the bottom but made no difference to my determination. We were getting perilously close to a full scale tantrum, something I could still quite easily do at 10.
Amazingly the doctor retreated, my first ever victory over authority, and suggested there might be another way. What he’d just done to me I’d have to do to myself, rather more carefully and gently, every night when I had my bath to stretch my foreskin.
While sceptical, I preferred this idea to butchery and agreed to try it. He did warn me that it wasn’t a guaranteed solution and that I’d probably still need something done when I started growing up, but for me that was ages away and of no consequence.
After that I was allowed to dress and the doctor said that he’d found no physical cause for the bed wetting, it was probably just a phase that I’d grow out of.
He did recommend that I have nothing to drink after 6pm so no more bedtime drinks for me.
At no point did anybody suggest that there might be an emotional cause behind the unprecedented problem.
The first few times I did the stretching thing Mum supervised and I’m not sure which of us was more uncomfortable, the first couple of times hurt like hell and I did a lot of crying. Eventually she was satisfied that I was doing it properly and stopped coming in to the bathroom to watch.
The drinks ban didn’t solve the problem, it just reduced the volume so an intervention system was devised that meant me being woken just before Mum went to bed and being supervised until I’d had a pee. It was a desperate measure for a desperate situation but at least the immediate difficulty was taken care of, I was waking in a dry bed.
I did grow out of the problem but I was almost 12 by that time and had never been able to stay over at schoolmates homes which almost certainly affected my social development.
Eventually I had a circumcision, by my choice and as an adult.
Love
Clearly demonstrates not only poor psychology, it also it puts the finger on the (lack of) privacy when dealing with kids. No one, – NO ONE -, would even consider treating an adult the same way. But with kids, it’s alright. Kids have no emotions, pride or dignity right?
Then, miss what’s an obvious sign of stress, that’s inexcusable. Of course there can be a physical issue causing this, most likely there’s something else. Something worse. Well, the easiest solution is not to look that way… Blame the kid, “there’s something wrong with him”.
Love
Daniel
Daniel
You’re absolutely right on all counts. The last thing kids of my generation, particularly boys, expected or got was any form of courtesy or privacy. Personal dignity was a completely alien concept to us.
Yes, even allowing for the fact that it was 1963, to miss such an obvious sign of emotional stress having not found a physical problem is really inexcusable. So much easier to look away.
Love
Malcolm
Scape-goatig kids. Oh yay!
Not just like this but because of being left-handed, er, having red hair, er, being Catholic or Irish in English protestant land – even which area a boy came from ‘born on the wrong side of the tracks’ or in my friends’ case ‘living in a Council House’ particularly as a pupil in a private school.
And for the record I was also circed as an adult and completely by my own choice.
Yeah, so much easier to blame the one who can’t defend himself.
A “bastard” because he doesn’t have a daddy like all the other kids?
I knew I really needed the circ as soon as wanking entered my life but neither of my parents would even discuss matters like that with me by then so I suffered until I was free to make my own choice.
what i dont understand is why the medical profession used to be so uncaring about children. they are better now, but not by much.
but now, things have swung so far the other way, that it’s gotten quite dangerous for parents. our youngest was born extremely tongue tied. he had his first clip when he was only a few hours old, as it impeded his ability to nurse or cry. six months later they had to snip him again. so now his tongue is “normal” but they told us his tongue muscles would be very weak and it would muck up his ability to speak. fast forward to his kindergarten days, and one of the teachers wanted to turn in my hubby for child abuse, sexual child abuse! all because they didnt even look at the medical paperwork we turned in, which clearly explained his physical issues. she claimed the only way his speech could be so poor was because of mental trauma!
so on one hand, most of the time childrens mental health needs are ignored. and innocent parents are accused while guilty ones keep abusing, there is no god
Biki
I think the problem stemmed from the fact that in my childhood we simply weren’t people and as such werenever listened to or taken seriously.
As you say it’s now gone completely the other way but they still don’t protect children, they just end up accusing innocent parents while still missing the overt signs that someone else is committing acts of abuse.
The simple answer is, start listening to children and treat them as real people with real feelings.
Love
Mac
Hey Mac. I have never heard of that problem before. To tight and short? Anyway by the time I was ten I was “pulling” it all the tie anyway. So I can truly say mine was not painful to “move” and I am sorry to hear yours was. I understand circumcision in adults are very painful. I agree with your ten year old self, that part of me is staying as it was created with out surgical modification. I did have a nephew who wanted his cut off so he could “be a better girlfriend” but I think I made him see that was not needed to fulfill his desire. At least he never had it done.
Thanks for sharing a very painful story. You managed to survive humiliations that would cause most people to go straight over a cliff. you must have been a very strong boy inside.
Many hugs for you and more for your younger self.
Scottie
Scottie
Very few people I’ve spoken to over the years have heard of this problem but my biggest worry was being made to look different from all the other boys.
Having it done as an adult very painful but at least it was my decision and I had a sensitive anaesthetist who put an epidural line in so for 24 hours I felt nothing from the waist down.
Love
Mac