OK, back to the list and a pretty horrendous sequence of events, even by my extreme standards. This was something that started out being very good and degenerated into something very bad.
It’s going to take more than one post to tell this story because the details are important.
In February 1969 I sat my mock O levels and everything was wonderful. I passed all of them and got better grades than expected in some. Nobody was surprised that I got top grades in Music, English and French, that was expected of and by me.
What I didn’t know was that a very small group of teachers, the ones that for the main part were worried about me, had been having secret talks. Apparently it had been noticed that I wasn’t happy, I can’t imagine why.
After a long and particularly gruelling session on violin, I was preparing for Grade 6 at the time, my violin teacher asked me if I’d be at all interested in going to Dartington Hall.
Assuming that she meant attending a course similar to Lodge Hill I said yes, of course I’d be interested, how long for?
For the rest of my school days she explained, it was a school specialising in music and performing arts that specifically catered for children who needed more freedom and support to develop exceptional talents.
That felt as though she was doing herself down, she’d never stinted on supporting me and I said as much. Yes, she agreed without a shred of false modesty, she was a very good teacher but she only saw me twice a week. How much better would it be if I had that quality of teaching every day?
Every day, what an amazing prospect! I could already see a problem though, this sort of school sounded expensive and my parents simply couldn’t afford it.
Not necessarily a problem, she assured me. For one thing there were local authority grants available but even better, she wanted to put my name forward for a full fees scholarship.
Wow! I knew I was good, I’d never doubted it but even I wasn’t sufficiently arrogant to believe I might be that good. When I asked if she really thought I could do it she grumpily said that if she didn’t we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
A fair point I conceded, so where did we go from here? She handed me a prospectus for Dartington Hall telling me to read it carefully, we’d talk more at my viola lesson later in the week.
That night I read the prospectus from cover to cover, twice to be certain that I understood everything. Then I sat at my little desk for a very serious think about the full implications of this proposal.
For the idea
I’d be getting the most intense level of music training I could sustain, I would be the only limiting factor
I’d be able to pursue my English and French Literature studies at my own pace being mentored rather than taught
I’d be away from home for whole terms at a time, Dad and I might even be able to get on a bit if I was only home for the holidays
I’d be out of the school where I was so unhappy and which was driving me closer and closer towards a full scale breakdown
Against the idea
I’d be separated from the girl I adored, in a very non-sexual way, and the relationship would probably fizzle out
I’d be separated from my best friend, a boy I’d met in Second Form and with whom I wanted to be much more than friends
I’d be saying goodbye to a few teachers who meant a huge amount to me and had been very supportive
There was no doubt about it, there was much more for the idea than against it and I knew what I’d be saying at my viola lesson on Thursday morning.
All I had to do was work out how I was going to sell this idea to my parents.
Love
Although it would have been a Big Thing to do (even at 16) you had wanted to go to boarding school much earlier, if my memory serves me correctly.
I should think you’d have gone for it with open arms!
Had I ever? That was all I wanted when I was 11 and the idea still appealed at 16 even if the motives were different.
over rationalisation was a major feature of young Malcolm, it got in the way of many decisions and more than once led me to make the wrong one.
Dithering about what it would mean to friendships and/or romance was completely typical of me, some of it was probably cowardice as well.
In this case I made the right decision but even then it turned out wrong.