Things have got a bit better now that I’ve finished the course of doomsday antibiotics. The problem with swatting a fly with a Buick like this is that the good stuff, all those chummy little microbes that do nice things inside us, get wiped out along with the bad guys. The bad guys put up a much tougher fight so feeling like crap is all part of the game.

Now that I’ve stopped waging biological warfare on my immune system I can start the lengthy process of rebuilding microbial happy land, hopefully without the presence of the evil interlopers.

The weather at the moment is no help at all. We Celts are simply not designed for the sun, gingers and ultra violet do not mix well. If it were practical for us to move “up the road” to slightly more amenable climes then I’d happily live where my name suggests I should.

Normal blogging will be resumed very soon, quite possibly tomorrow.

Love

I’ve actually managed to eat today for the first time in nearly 72 hours which made me feel a little bit better and my mood’s improved as well.

It’s still incredibly depressing knowing that this is only a reprieve and that I’ll have to go through it all again and again until the only thing that can stop it finally happens. Unfortunately the only known solution to this problem is dying which is a little bit further than I want to go just now.

I’ll probably get back to posting in the next couple of days but I need a lot of rest just now so I’m not committing to anything for a few days.

Love

Sadly I suspect that this is as good as it gets and from here on in it’s mostly downhill.

As I said, the scan was inconclusive but the doctor who did it was highly sceptical about the cause of my current pain actually being the varicocele. He’s still going to do the very minor procedure to get rid of the thing but essentially that’s a cosmetic issue.

I’m left in the situation of not knowing what the hell’s going on apart from the fact that I’m in constant nauseating pain, have lost all shred of appetite and generally feel like crap; hence the sudden outburst earlier.

I’ll probably get back to posting properly tomorrow but I really didn’t feel like it to day.

Love

The original problem is unlikely to be the source of current pain

I’m utterly depressed

Fuck Everything!!!

Given that I’ve been living with the original injury since I was a teenager and have had so little trouble with it up until recently, consideration has to be given to the small chance that there could be a nasty word involved.

I’m telling myself that it’s complete nonsense of course but there’s always that nagging worry. Right now Thursday can’t come soon enough.

Partly to take my mind off the present I’ll be diving back into the past tomorrow to continue the tribulations of a young rugby player, despite the long term effects of those days I still find some of them quite funny to think about.

Thanks to everyone for the supportive comments and messages during what’s been a very unpleasant few days.

Love

I hope to be back after a hospital appointment on Tuesday.

Love

I’ve been told that Dad’s to be buried in my Mother’s grave which is fitting despite the fact that he married again after Mum died, the cause of our ultimate separation or rather estrangement. His third wife stipulated that he wasn’t to have contact with us as she didn’t feel that she could compete with Mum and she was undoubtedly right, Mum was a pretty tough act to follow. My initial anger at that was soon replaced by the understanding that he needed the companionship because his life had become empty and meaningless. After staying with him for a few days following the funeral because he was ill and needed nursing, I actually expected to be recalled to Lurgashall within weeks to deal with his death. I attended his eventual wedding, wished him and his new wife the best and then got thoroughly drunk which was the first time for ages that I’d used that particular escape route. We spoke once more at my Big Sister’s funeral and he was barely civil to Gary, who had recently become the most important person in my life, which made me very angry indeed.

I’ve always regarded his marriage to Mum as the “proper” marriage and so even though I have no belief or faith it seems appropriate that they should be together again. It’s also my hope that at least some of my anger can be buried there as well. Eternal apologist that I am I’ll probably end up saying sorry again even for the stuff that wasn’t my fault.

The next post here will continue the story I started about my violin and that’s appropriate as well because he played a part in it and it was one of the good times, precious for it’s rarity.

Once again Thank You all for your love and support

Love

I’ve just heard from my younger sister that my Dad has passed away and it’s left me in a strange emotional place. Dad and I had a somewhat turbulent relationship as you know but it would be disingenuous of me to lay all of the blame at his feet, I played my part in the whole unpleasant drama. Part of me, a part that I’m frankly ashamed of is relieved, not becasue he’s gone but because he never knew and now he’ll never know what happened to me during the two years before he became my Dad and the year after. There have been many occasions when I couldn’t help but wonder if he didn’t get a pretty crappy bargain in his ready made son.

I’m deeply saddened by this loss but I don’t think grief is appropriate, indeed I think it would be somewhat hypocritical. One thing that I cannot deny is that he worshipped my Mum and gave her the life she deserved after the dreadful suffering she endured from my father. I’m honest enough to recognise that part of our problem was jealousy, I was very close to Mum particularly after my brush with death at the age of eight and often felt that he was coming between us.

I’ll be back in a day or so but for the moment I’ve got some thinking to do.

Love